Forgotten but not Gone

well.
It's been a long long time since i've even been to my own blog site.
i accidentally typed in my old blog that the internet had eaten a long time ago - the strange thing was that it was there.
so if you ever have the notion to waste time reading old blog entries
thepadlock.blogspot.com
has some.
hah.
i wonder where it went on it's vacation from public access...
maybe it went to the alps for a sebaticle.


speaking of going.
i have submitted the first of many parts of my application to the International Mission Board.
I am feeling a call to go.
not yet sure where. but the fire is being kindled.

Since we have talked last I have quit my job at P-Mobile (name changed) and am now substitute teaching in Austin Independent School District.

I am moving to a house from my apartment of nearly two years. and with a roommate after living solo for about three years (not consecutive)

I have had a major shift in some relationships - not all of which have been pleasant.

a lot of things contributing to what felt like the bottom falling out of my life all at once.
but in and through it all My God has yet again shown Himself as gracious, kind, in control, faithful, loving and so so so much more.

i'm not sure what the next steps are and go through little glimpses of unbelief and mistrust - but am quickly righted by the Lord of my life.

it's been rocky and rough, but still so sweet.

Only by God is that even possible.

anyways.

go to the other blog
pray for me
let me know how you are
take a walk
do something kind for someone

trickle on

The pool was sparkling fresh. The pool’s water was crystal all the way to the bottom. The banks hugged it like a dear child, and the rocks and water played with one another rolling and tumbling and laughing together.
A family of deer would come along and sip politely from the refreshing source and gratefully go on there way. The birds would sit in the trees and gaze at the shimmering liquid and soak in all of it’s beauty.
But then one day, a hippo found the pool. he charged in to selfishly take in the water and cover himself in it. But not for a mere bath before he moved on, to soak and sit. He stirred up the mud that was resting peacefully on the bottom and climbing in and out, he trample the banks and the grass that grew there.
He called to his friends to come join him. All the hippos sat together in the water. Yelling over the fading sound of the laughing water. They would leave things that didn’t belong in the water floating there or sunken to the bottom. They would climb the trees and frighten the birds and break the branches. Then they would egg each other on to jump into the water from the heights. When they’d come down, they’d splash and scream and sheer. They sloshed a lot of the water over the sides and muddied the banks even more.
They brought with them stench and vile behavior.
The water is now dank and murky. You might see the bottom, but it is not something you really want to see. The banks no longer embrace the waters, but seem to be running from them. The birds don’t like to look at the poor state of the once glittering pool. the deer can’t stand the taste of the filth in the water.
It’s no longer lovely.
It’s been destroyed and taken advantage of.
It no longer harbors sweet thoughts and beauty to behold.

But the hopeful part is that the water is flowing. That it has come from a better place. a place that is still pure and is going on to an untainted place that will not be made impure.
The time it spend here in the ruined war zone of filth and muck only serves to strengthen its hope and determination to get to the next part. And it serves to make the water so grateful for the time it had before.

icon of self control

well, it's been sitting on my desk for two days.
this bowl full of chocolate morsels.
the old me would have devoured it in a moments time. but the new me has decided to practice a little discipline.
i'm not going to say it's easy. it's not.
usually i will rack up a whole trashcan full of empty wrappers before i even know what's come over me.
that sweet sweet satisfaction of seeing it. mouth watering for it. and taking it.

how human. how value-less. how silly to imagine fullfillment in something and then pretend like it's fullfilling once you have it. even though you know it's not. even though you know you'll just want more when this piece is gone.

and it's not like i'm taking it to satisfy any hunger or energy requirement. it's just for the enjoyment and taste of it in my mouth.

ugh.

so anyways, that bowl will hopefully not be depleated by any of my doing. only the passers by who are lured by her calling.


ode to you, dear chocolate. ode to you.

yuck

more than you care to know

so i was in the bathroom the other day.
this is the bathroom at work. usually pristine. absolutely pristine.

i had just closed the door on the stall when a roach of enormous proportions came scattering through.

i couldn't believe what i did. i was standing on the toilet screaming when i realized, wait... you are on a toilet screaming.

to defend myself let me elaborate on the exact size of this wretched creature.

find something that is approximately three inches long. imagine this something with antennas and legs. now picture it coming at your feet with fiercety in his eyes. not fear.
and plus wearing open toed shoes escalated the panic factor by about a million points.

so anyways. i talked myself in to climbing down and conducting business as usual.
then came another. a little smaller but with a limp that said, "i've fought and won, you should see the other guy. the other guy who happens to be a grizzly bear."

i just moved my open toes shoes out of his path and let him pass on through. by this time the other stalls were occupied. there was a wave effect of "oh no"s "o dear god"s and "ack! ew! gross!" as he made his way down the row.

anyways,
i made it out alive, and the toilet climbing on slightly bruised my dignity.

there you have it.

now you know.

it's infestation.

lost little boat

folded from paper and creased to perfection

You are set free

You head down gutters and little creeks

With purpose, plans and peace

your course molded by debris

guided by gravity

drawn by design’s intent.



But once you reach those open waters

and guidance seems to fade

You’re broken, soaked and weak.

With no oarsmen or current

Your future is bleak.

The wind a deterrent.

It pushes you there and to hither

Your spirit is dim

and your vision has withered

Your life now lacks drive

for pursuit and passion



Lost at sea with no land in sight

Your hope is at dusk

Soon to be night.

awake.

your lifeless body on the soft sandy shore.

the silence deafens

and the darkness fights

look up to the heavens

grasp the light.

Lunch with Mr.Twitters

it wasn't quite raining, and it couldn't be considered mist, but as Claudette sat outside to enjoy her meal, little drops of water were appearing on her skin. No, it wasn't sweat either. It was just the overall moisture in the air clinging to her and taking up residence in droplette form.
Claudette didn't mind. She was conten to soak it in and enjoy the sun that had been so long abscent in the weeks before.
You see it had been raining for about a month. The rivers had risen and the flood gates were opened and the greens and colors of the landscape been thoroughly saturated.
So there she sat, in a delightful rocking chair on the patio of a delightful little deli. It wasn't far from her office, but far enough to be an escape from the drudge of it. The sun was warming her skin and the sounds of birds were tickling her ears.
Then he came. Unoticed at first. She doesn't know how long he was on her shoulder, but when she did notice - he took flight. He then skipped from her shoulder to her hair, from there to her hand and her leg and her plate and the edge of her glass and her finger tips and her face. playfully hopping from place to place with all the life and flightyness one would expect from a little butterfly.
His wings were beautiful. perfectly shaped without a blemish. His size was perfect. not too small, not too large. When he landed on her finger it felt like he was grabbing on and hugging her. Then he would depart from it.
She giggled and flirted as Mr.Twitters danced around her.

Soon, though, some others came into the game. but these were not playfull creatures at all. they were on the hunt. they wanted to taint Claudette's food and buzz loudly near her face. Claudette did not like these flies. They were dirty and invasive. They didn't want to invite her into a relationship with flirting and laughing. they sought to meet their own needs. soon Claudette was so overwhelmed by the flurry of bugs, both good and bad, she got flustered and began swatting at them.
'go away' she cried, 'let me be!'

Soon the had left. all of them. Including Mr.Twitters.
Oh no, she thought, what have i done? i got so carried away with preserving my food that I must have scared him away. Oh, Mr.Twitters, I am so terribly sorry.

Claudette felt sad and guilty for having been so easily distracted and upset by those dumb ol' flies. she wishes that she would have just continued in her delighting with Mr.Twitters.

After a few minutes of lamenting, Claudette felt the lightest touch on her shoulder. and it may have been the trees rustling in the light breeze, but she could swear she heard a whisper.
'i'm still here. i love you'
and when she turned he was gone.

But Claudette was no longer sad. she was elated. she knew that Mr.Twitters had invited her into something real and lasting. and even though he had to go for now, he wasn't gone. He may come back one day. She may meet him again in the sound of ocean waves or in snow flakes falling and whirling in the wind.