more than you care to know

so i was in the bathroom the other day.
this is the bathroom at work. usually pristine. absolutely pristine.

i had just closed the door on the stall when a roach of enormous proportions came scattering through.

i couldn't believe what i did. i was standing on the toilet screaming when i realized, wait... you are on a toilet screaming.

to defend myself let me elaborate on the exact size of this wretched creature.

find something that is approximately three inches long. imagine this something with antennas and legs. now picture it coming at your feet with fiercety in his eyes. not fear.
and plus wearing open toed shoes escalated the panic factor by about a million points.

so anyways. i talked myself in to climbing down and conducting business as usual.
then came another. a little smaller but with a limp that said, "i've fought and won, you should see the other guy. the other guy who happens to be a grizzly bear."

i just moved my open toes shoes out of his path and let him pass on through. by this time the other stalls were occupied. there was a wave effect of "oh no"s "o dear god"s and "ack! ew! gross!" as he made his way down the row.

anyways,
i made it out alive, and the toilet climbing on slightly bruised my dignity.

there you have it.

now you know.

it's infestation.

lost little boat

folded from paper and creased to perfection

You are set free

You head down gutters and little creeks

With purpose, plans and peace

your course molded by debris

guided by gravity

drawn by design’s intent.



But once you reach those open waters

and guidance seems to fade

You’re broken, soaked and weak.

With no oarsmen or current

Your future is bleak.

The wind a deterrent.

It pushes you there and to hither

Your spirit is dim

and your vision has withered

Your life now lacks drive

for pursuit and passion



Lost at sea with no land in sight

Your hope is at dusk

Soon to be night.

awake.

your lifeless body on the soft sandy shore.

the silence deafens

and the darkness fights

look up to the heavens

grasp the light.

Lunch with Mr.Twitters

it wasn't quite raining, and it couldn't be considered mist, but as Claudette sat outside to enjoy her meal, little drops of water were appearing on her skin. No, it wasn't sweat either. It was just the overall moisture in the air clinging to her and taking up residence in droplette form.
Claudette didn't mind. She was conten to soak it in and enjoy the sun that had been so long abscent in the weeks before.
You see it had been raining for about a month. The rivers had risen and the flood gates were opened and the greens and colors of the landscape been thoroughly saturated.
So there she sat, in a delightful rocking chair on the patio of a delightful little deli. It wasn't far from her office, but far enough to be an escape from the drudge of it. The sun was warming her skin and the sounds of birds were tickling her ears.
Then he came. Unoticed at first. She doesn't know how long he was on her shoulder, but when she did notice - he took flight. He then skipped from her shoulder to her hair, from there to her hand and her leg and her plate and the edge of her glass and her finger tips and her face. playfully hopping from place to place with all the life and flightyness one would expect from a little butterfly.
His wings were beautiful. perfectly shaped without a blemish. His size was perfect. not too small, not too large. When he landed on her finger it felt like he was grabbing on and hugging her. Then he would depart from it.
She giggled and flirted as Mr.Twitters danced around her.

Soon, though, some others came into the game. but these were not playfull creatures at all. they were on the hunt. they wanted to taint Claudette's food and buzz loudly near her face. Claudette did not like these flies. They were dirty and invasive. They didn't want to invite her into a relationship with flirting and laughing. they sought to meet their own needs. soon Claudette was so overwhelmed by the flurry of bugs, both good and bad, she got flustered and began swatting at them.
'go away' she cried, 'let me be!'

Soon the had left. all of them. Including Mr.Twitters.
Oh no, she thought, what have i done? i got so carried away with preserving my food that I must have scared him away. Oh, Mr.Twitters, I am so terribly sorry.

Claudette felt sad and guilty for having been so easily distracted and upset by those dumb ol' flies. she wishes that she would have just continued in her delighting with Mr.Twitters.

After a few minutes of lamenting, Claudette felt the lightest touch on her shoulder. and it may have been the trees rustling in the light breeze, but she could swear she heard a whisper.
'i'm still here. i love you'
and when she turned he was gone.

But Claudette was no longer sad. she was elated. she knew that Mr.Twitters had invited her into something real and lasting. and even though he had to go for now, he wasn't gone. He may come back one day. She may meet him again in the sound of ocean waves or in snow flakes falling and whirling in the wind.

survival

well we made it through.
i might vent for a moment,
if i may.

first of all let me say in all honestly i am completely grateful for the chance to get away from the office and meet some co workers from across the nation and have an all expense paid trip to a place like Denver.

However. i can't help but be irritaed at the vast amount of cash money wasted on said trip.

basically we all got tegether to review a power point presentation that we have all seen about 6 times in the past two months. but in order to look at and talk about the same old material, it was necessary to rent 80 rooms at a nice downtown hotel for three nights. even though only 70 people could come and about 45-50 left after night two.
then we paid for steak dinners and alcohol the first night.
and then night two was hosted at a fancy family style italian place where platter after platter of food was brought out and then left mostly unfinished. oh, and a free open bar.
then day three had boxed lunches from the corner bakery where there was about 20 or so left over. i kindly suggested to the lady in charge of food that we give the left over food to the people who are working at the rafting place we had not yet left. she just shortly said no and began loading them in the back of her personal vehicle.
then we also paid for town cars to cart us back and forth from the air port, instead of hotel shuttle vans.

it just felt like thing after thing was another careless toss of bills.

it just disturbs me for some reason to see so much money being thrown around and all these people thinking they are so much more important then they actually are because some company is paying them too much to do a job that doesn't really impact or benefit anyone.

i mean. why can't there be some aggressive budget cut and the money saved go into college funds or charities or cancer research or any number of venues that make efforts to do something for the good of those that need it.

it's insane that the world works this way.
the more money the more you deserve? what?


anyways.
venting and things aside -
the highlight of the trip was definitely the white water rafting. that is something i could easily become addicted to.
how beautiful to be carried by the natural rushing water through the valleys of these massive foot hills and mountains. it's so belittling - in a good way.
the fresh air and the cold splashes.
oh man.
thank you God for that sweet relief from the emptiness of work.
we had 9 raft loads for our group. our raft's particular guide was ordained by God no doubt.
he was my age, which is approximately half that of all my coworkers.
so i sat in the back of the raft near him and we talked and joked the whole trip. it was nice to have an ally. someone who was speaking my language. a language that has nothing to do with spreadsheets or corperate heirarchy.

he really did make me consider more the bebefits of dropping everything in pursuit of what your heart is called to.
for him it was the outdoors and firefighting. so he quit school and got trained and certified in EMS and firefighting. as he waits for all his applications to firehouses to go through he raft guides in the summer and is on ski patrol in the winter.
he said with a big smile on his face, i finally knew what i wanted to do and went for it and haven't had a bad day since.

not that avoiding bad days is my ultimate goal. but it was very inspriring to see his senserity and passion revealed.

encounters like that nearly bring me to tears. i can feel my heart's strings being tugged.

i know that deeply it is really that my heart is inset with eternity (ecclesiastes 3:11-14 says so) and that heaven is what it is hungry for. and really pretty much anything here will not be fullfilling. but i don't really want to live as a pesimist. i want to be able to passionately pursue and know the things of beauty that God has made available for here and for now.

oy.
sorry bout the ramblings.
but now you know.

signing off.